waiting, humility, and grace

i think today i learned the difference between "being humble" and "being humbled".

several months ago i took a leap of faith and quit the best paying job i've ever had. it was dragging me down, spiritually and emotionally. it was breaking my spirit and turning me into an angry person. for years i tried to press on and find ways to use the job to serve God. in the end, i found the effects of the job were bleeding into my personal life and that wasn't a sacrifice i was willing to make for money. i don't see it as failing. i see it as coming to an understanding that there are some things you cannot change.

for months now i have been trying to find something to replace the lost income. for a time i was doing well and making do with what i had. a time has come where it is imperative that i no longer be just getting by but seriously making a living.

i have faced this with what i would like to think of as bravery and hope for the last little while. each little bill that came up and financial wall i ran into was just another bump in the road. i know that the Lord has a plan for me and that He will provide. this time in my life is a test, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

just when i am coming to a point where the light is getting nearer, it seems the enemy can't help but try and dash my hopes. i am starting a new job tomorrow, which means without a doubt there will soon be funds coming in. the devil is obviously getting desperate at the sight of my growing faith and surety that God will take care of me. suddenly everything i owe, and need, and can't afford is under a flashing light constantly in my mind's eye.

i have asked my friends for prayer, not money. just prayer. i do not want to be anyone's charity case. i think the shame of feeling like a charity case would put me over the edge right now. so prayer is my request...and money is the answer. thanks to some generous hearts i have enough to get me through this week. through their generosity God has provided a means to a telephone (the lack thereof having been a large stress this week) and groceries - and all this was accomplished without it feeling like charity, but instead, like love.

so here i sit, weeping in front of my computer screen from having been humbled by their grace. not only am i thankful for the real and immediate impact this makes on my life, but by the impact it has made on my spirit. i read recently that christians are afraid to complain to God - when all through the Bible there are accounts of people crying out "when Lord?" "why Lord?" "Please Lord!" - well here i am and i'm saying:
Lord when will you end this time of trial? i don't know how much more i can stand. i am weak from running this race, i am tired, and out of breath. i want to run to You like a child running for a parent when they're frightened, and i want to fall into Your arms. thank You for providing for me. thank You for teaching me that You will come when we wait for You, even though it may be in the last watch of the night - You will come. You are my saving grace. Amen.

most of all - i pray through this experience that i will learn to be a good steward, not only of my money, but of all things the Lord has provided me with.

this was hard for me to share and i pray that someone who reads this will be encouraged in their own fears - wait on the Lord. He will come.